Hi there. Tonight I ate meat. I wasn't planning on it - my landlord showed up at my door with a plate of lasagna - with meat in it. I was hungry and it was there and hot and smelled really good. I ate it. 21 years. No meat. My tummy - hurts. The meat? Tasted great. No lightening came down to strike me. I didn't throw up or die. I ate meat. Big fucking deal.
Na-na
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Sunday, March 25, 2007
My chakras are clean!
OK - so my internet is finally working again after a week of not being able to blog when I really had so much to tell you guys. For some reason, my last blog put everyone into a panic - but honestly, after going back and reading it - I don't think it was that bad. Maybe that is just me. So I just had my DNA activated - don't ask too many questions, but know that I am doing something positive to help me get more positive. Something that is more comforting to me than therapy and in the meantime I am becomming a part of a smaller community in my neighborhood - I am not joining any kind of cult. These are things I have explored before on my own and now I have found a group of people who put all those curiosities into practice. I feel greeeat and I am on my way to becoming more grounded and positive. How can that be bad? Work this week was OK. The atmosphere is stifling and there is nothing that I can say that will make anyone understand how crazy it is there. I don't want to stay, but it is money (not that I have gotten a paycheck yet but technically it shoul dbe coming soon.) My landlord still is not giving me my mail which is soooo frustrating but I feel like since I am living on her property and she could kick me out at any point leaving me screwed - I have to keep my mouth shut. I got a client a job this week - at least almost a job which is very very exciting. Even though eh is only going to be making 472.00 - that is for an hour of work! How cool is that? I just have no interest in voice overs for car commericals.....whatever. I have two more weeks there as a temp if I want to stay, but then it is going to become harder to leave. The other agency offered me a permanent job, but it is in the commercial/Voice over dept. which means that I would be doing what I am doing now only I will be making less money, loose my office, and oh yeah - not really get to agent - I would be back to being someone's secretary. You may be wondering why I don't want to stay where I am??? It is important if you are going to be someone's bitch - to be a bitch to a person - in a company that is going to give you the connections to get you where you want to go eventually. The world I am working in with voice over is the wrong world and is a dead end for me - so when I would finally escape her evil clutches - I would have to either go somewhere else and do voice over or start alllllll over again at square one. As long as I am already at square one - I want to make sure I am on the right square. And that's that. I applied for a tutoring job this week - we'll see if I hear from the lady. I am going to give her a call tomorrow and see if I can't set something up. Hopefully now that I have my internet back I can do some job searches when I get home at night. The problem is that I don't get home until so late.
On a lighter note- I went to a rocks, paper, scissors tourney last night - it was hysterical. People went all out dressed up in costumes and there were real referees. This is an annual event, so if this has peaked any of your iterests, we can organize a trip back to the Echo next year - with a cool group-themed costume! You know I love my wigs.
This weekend I am volunteering at a Barak Obama fundraiser. It is the first time in my life that I have ever volunteered for a politician. I am a proud supporter from what I know of him. Is our country ready for a man like that to be president? Not likely. Is he a panacea to all of our national woes? Impossible for one man to be. BUT he is a fresh face in the political arena and he ain't no Jesse Jackson!
My friend is having a smurf themed b-day party next week. I cannot wait - you have to come dressed in blue. I helped her plan it before we went camping a few weeks ago, but I never thought she would actually go through with it - how fun. If anyone has any costume suggestion please let me know. I have been called the smurfette of the crew before but let's not go into details as to why. I think that is too obvious - I would like to go as a different smurf. Smurf on this folks: Which smurf do you think is most closely linked to your personality???? Are you a combo smurf? I think KDL is a young Papa smurf - always taking a looooooong time to get anywhere, but yet the guru on the mount. Just a thought.
Have a smurftastic Monday everyone.
Na-na
On a lighter note- I went to a rocks, paper, scissors tourney last night - it was hysterical. People went all out dressed up in costumes and there were real referees. This is an annual event, so if this has peaked any of your iterests, we can organize a trip back to the Echo next year - with a cool group-themed costume! You know I love my wigs.
This weekend I am volunteering at a Barak Obama fundraiser. It is the first time in my life that I have ever volunteered for a politician. I am a proud supporter from what I know of him. Is our country ready for a man like that to be president? Not likely. Is he a panacea to all of our national woes? Impossible for one man to be. BUT he is a fresh face in the political arena and he ain't no Jesse Jackson!
My friend is having a smurf themed b-day party next week. I cannot wait - you have to come dressed in blue. I helped her plan it before we went camping a few weeks ago, but I never thought she would actually go through with it - how fun. If anyone has any costume suggestion please let me know. I have been called the smurfette of the crew before but let's not go into details as to why. I think that is too obvious - I would like to go as a different smurf. Smurf on this folks: Which smurf do you think is most closely linked to your personality???? Are you a combo smurf? I think KDL is a young Papa smurf - always taking a looooooong time to get anywhere, but yet the guru on the mount. Just a thought.
Have a smurftastic Monday everyone.
Na-na
Saturday, March 17, 2007
don't....
It is after midnight on a Friday and I am home trolling the internet because I am a looser who didn't want to go out tonight. I can't afford it and also crackie invited pstz to come with his date. Not something I wanted to see. I think it is hurtful that he can be so flirtatious and not ever ask me out. I wonder if it would be different if I wasn't friends with those girls - but then I never would have met him. I don't want this blog to turn into a giant pity fest but I have to say that I am exhausted. I don't know whst is going to make me happy and I am so tired of moving and changing my life around to find it. I realize that no one is ever perfectly happy - I just feel like I am chasing my tail and that it just isn't in the cards for me - not this time around. All this sadness just breeds more and soon I am going to shrivel up into a bitter old woman that no one wants to be around and no one wants to tell good things about their life to because they are afraid that it might upset them (oh wait, that is already happening.) This town is really rough. I signed up for the CBEST today. Thinking about getting a teaching job and living on the beach. LEave all this Hollywood bullshit behind. I just don't feel a passion for it like I used to. I see through it all and wonder what the big deal is. I think about the world at large and how if we are only here once - then what is it that we are contributing to the universe? Do I want my contribution that I made a really good audition tape for a movie star to do a car commercial? Here is my little metaphor and then I am going to try to sleep: I feel like my life is a wet lawn after a spring rain. There is all this green grass and it smells so good. On each corner of the lawn is a different toy. I keep running from one corner to the next to play with the toys - some I want to play with more than once - some don't even interest me at all when I apprach them at a closer distance. Through all of my running and shifting, the wet, fresh grass has been matted down into a brown, soupy mess and my mother is standing at the threshold of my house screaming at me for ruining the landscaping. I am left holding no toy in the middle of a mud pile and there is a worm that has made his way into my shoe.
Good night Mrs. Calabash wherever you are. Na-na
Good night Mrs. Calabash wherever you are. Na-na
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Head Spun Round
Good Evening.
First off I want to congratulate Miss N for finally figuring out where she is going to land! Good luck in Chi town - it is a hell of a lot closer to LA than the Buff. Well day three on the job and more confused than ever. This company is ridiculous and there had to be something wrong with a place that cannot keep employees. Yesterday I was in tears - even though the woman I was working for last week called me up and told me that she wanted me to come work for her. #1 I like her a lot as I mentioned before, but right now I have my own office, don't answer anyone else's phones and am getting paid a lot more. PLUS the only reason I was workng in her department was to prepare for this job - which I don't think I even want to do - so why move just to work in a place where I am on a lower rung with less money just because I can have the freedom to dress funky and laugh with friendlier people? Part of me thinks I made a mistake by leaving the psycho bitch since that is more akin to what I want to do, but I was in a massive state of stress and confusion. I am meeting with the lady on SAt. for coffee so I will talk to her about everything then. MEANWHILE - my recruiter left for the weekend before lunch today - the day I was supposed to hear back from HR about money and benefits etc...I know he thinks I am a pain in the ass but how am I supposed to get support from a recruiter who only works three days a week? Tomorrow there are lots of stars coming into record so I get to see the other side of my job. We'll see.
OK so I admit it. I like the cutie and I am sad that he doesn't really like me back. Last night I looked at my phone and saw that he called but didn't leave a message. I was strong - I didn't text or call - which is what I would normally do. He didn't call back today. He is probably on to his next conquest. LAst night I went out with Crackie #1 and pstz. I was sooooo good in the beginning - totally cool with pstz considering he hasn't emailed, called or texted me in a month! #1 has alluded a few times that it is #2's fault - that she is poisoning him against me. Why would she do that? What does she have to gain? Pretty fucked up. Anyway he is soooooo full of sex that it is impossible not to get drawn in - even though he looked bad - really bad last night. AND he was flirting with both of us and as much as I tried to stay above it - I succombed and by the end of the night I was flirting right back. grrrrrrr. It's ok I probably wont see him again for another month.
My trainer has been stalking me and I have been ignoring his phone calls, but tonight he called me drunk from a bar asking me if I wanted to come have drinks with him and watch basketball. Creeeeepy. PLus - I feel bad enough that I am not making it to the gym - do I have to spend my downtime with my trainer that I can no longer afford who is going to make me feel even worse? How do I end up in these sitations?
Did I tell you guys about the Israeli guy that I have been dirty texting with for a while? I don't think anything is going to come of it - but he is going to Coachella
with our little group so it should be interesting meeting him in person.
This Sunday night my new friend from the zine is going to read my cards - I haven't done that in years and feel like I need some kind of guidance. How did I get so off track? Why did I live in such a hedonistic bubble for so long? I hope it isn't too late for me to get my shit together. I feel like I am ten years behind everyone my own age and that Cutie doesn't want to be with me because he thinks I am so far ahead - what am I supposed to do?
Hopefully I will have some good scoop tomorrow as I am meeting - an xfile, a wingman, a boy from the oc and the brother of a funny, fat, dead man.
Later - Na-na
First off I want to congratulate Miss N for finally figuring out where she is going to land! Good luck in Chi town - it is a hell of a lot closer to LA than the Buff. Well day three on the job and more confused than ever. This company is ridiculous and there had to be something wrong with a place that cannot keep employees. Yesterday I was in tears - even though the woman I was working for last week called me up and told me that she wanted me to come work for her. #1 I like her a lot as I mentioned before, but right now I have my own office, don't answer anyone else's phones and am getting paid a lot more. PLUS the only reason I was workng in her department was to prepare for this job - which I don't think I even want to do - so why move just to work in a place where I am on a lower rung with less money just because I can have the freedom to dress funky and laugh with friendlier people? Part of me thinks I made a mistake by leaving the psycho bitch since that is more akin to what I want to do, but I was in a massive state of stress and confusion. I am meeting with the lady on SAt. for coffee so I will talk to her about everything then. MEANWHILE - my recruiter left for the weekend before lunch today - the day I was supposed to hear back from HR about money and benefits etc...I know he thinks I am a pain in the ass but how am I supposed to get support from a recruiter who only works three days a week? Tomorrow there are lots of stars coming into record so I get to see the other side of my job. We'll see.
OK so I admit it. I like the cutie and I am sad that he doesn't really like me back. Last night I looked at my phone and saw that he called but didn't leave a message. I was strong - I didn't text or call - which is what I would normally do. He didn't call back today. He is probably on to his next conquest. LAst night I went out with Crackie #1 and pstz. I was sooooo good in the beginning - totally cool with pstz considering he hasn't emailed, called or texted me in a month! #1 has alluded a few times that it is #2's fault - that she is poisoning him against me. Why would she do that? What does she have to gain? Pretty fucked up. Anyway he is soooooo full of sex that it is impossible not to get drawn in - even though he looked bad - really bad last night. AND he was flirting with both of us and as much as I tried to stay above it - I succombed and by the end of the night I was flirting right back. grrrrrrr. It's ok I probably wont see him again for another month.
My trainer has been stalking me and I have been ignoring his phone calls, but tonight he called me drunk from a bar asking me if I wanted to come have drinks with him and watch basketball. Creeeeepy. PLus - I feel bad enough that I am not making it to the gym - do I have to spend my downtime with my trainer that I can no longer afford who is going to make me feel even worse? How do I end up in these sitations?
Did I tell you guys about the Israeli guy that I have been dirty texting with for a while? I don't think anything is going to come of it - but he is going to Coachella
with our little group so it should be interesting meeting him in person.
This Sunday night my new friend from the zine is going to read my cards - I haven't done that in years and feel like I need some kind of guidance. How did I get so off track? Why did I live in such a hedonistic bubble for so long? I hope it isn't too late for me to get my shit together. I feel like I am ten years behind everyone my own age and that Cutie doesn't want to be with me because he thinks I am so far ahead - what am I supposed to do?
Hopefully I will have some good scoop tomorrow as I am meeting - an xfile, a wingman, a boy from the oc and the brother of a funny, fat, dead man.
Later - Na-na
Monday, March 12, 2007
No More Drama
Wow. What a weekend. THis is going to be a long post so you'll have to bear with me. I will try to separate in paragraphs to make it more user friendly. So it all began on Friday at 6pm when I was informed that my services were no longer needed at the agency I had been working at so I knew I was starting the weekend off with no work on monday and possibly for a while since the other job wasn't looking good and I wasn't sure if I even wanted it. I went to my friend's going away party very blue and the fact that someone I had just gotten to know and care about was leaving made me even bluer. It is hard to find good, smart peeps who appreciate Buffalo in this town. K - good luck in Brooklyn - I'll miss you. I woke up on Saturday with plans to go to the beach to hang with some girlfriends. During my flirtations with the cute boy from the office on Friday I may have mentioned that he should stop by and hagn out with us. He was in so I thought maybe I might get some action this weekend and if you have been keeping tabs on me through this blog you know it has been a desert during the dry season up in here. A girl needs herself a little lovin now and again and getting from a young cutie never hurts either. I digress. Went to Runyan and the air was so bad (those of you not familiar with air quality concerns may not understand) that when I got to the top I felt like I had asthma and my heart goes out to all of my asthmatic friends because that is a shitty feeling. Yada yada yada I don't get down to the beach until almost 5 and the girls have decided it is too cold (it didnt get into the 90s until today) for the beach so we just played some really bad pool and had burgers at the local "jerry's" like watering hole (without the pickled pigs feet or whatever the hell those things were.) My friend A. gets a call from this hot Brittish guy that showed up to her bday party the week before and he tells her he is going camping and then to surf the next day. They might be driving right by us and may or may not have time to say hi. S - ever the motivator - grabs the phone from her and comes back to the pool table triumphantly stating: "We are going camping." Now I have on beach clothes and although I always carry my sleeping bag in my car - that turkey burger was haunting me, a migrane was beginning to rumble in my head and I really wanted to hang out with the cutie from the office. Needless to say I wasn't that stoked to go. Stacey decides to call the cutie herself and invite him to go with us. He immediately says yes - which coupled with the naughty double entendres he was throwing out on the instant messenger led me to believe that he might lik eme a lil bit more than big sister....
We left the pool hall and headed back to prepare. S - is amazing I hope you guys get to meet this girl - and not just because she is from the Buff. She trhows together in I shit you not 5 minutes - a cooler filled with food and drink and a trunk filled with camping equipment, blankets and extra clothes for everyone since none of us were prepared. When the hotties from San Diego came by they were impressed that we weren't little princesses and were psyched that we were crashing their party. Meanwhile S gave me a vicodin for my migrane, which was not working - which is why I know it was the big M - I have been given shots in the ass before that did nothing to take them away. Lil office cutie comes by and greets me with mucho amounts of affection - I am taken aback but figure I will roll with it - since I am not really working there anymore it will allow us to be much friendlier without feeling wierd. WE take off with the dog in tow and head out to destination unnown. Really - we had no idea where we were going - just the 101 N and the hotties were going to call us from their car when they found a campground and then tell us how to get there. It was a great ride and the dog was cuddling up on our laps - cuties was cuddling with us and we were all singing along to Johnny Cash - OK they were - as much as I liked the movie - I didn't grow up with it and didnt feel like jumping on the bandwagon.
We get to the campsite and set up camp. In my sneaky, haven't been kissed in five months wisdowm, I decide to dontate my sleeping bag to A and make a bed out of the blankets for cutie and I. The big migrane is still there but I am trying to be cool about it and not complain too much - there is a fire and S because shes cool like that just happened to have the ingredients for smores in her kitchen so cutie climbed a tree and got everyone a stick so we could roast the marshmellows. We passed a bottle of wine or two around the camp fire that was actually in a barrell and had a few good laughs. I was so sick I couldnt drink the wine or eat a smore so you know I wasn't faking it. Cutie and I took a walk on the beach - yeah that's right suckas we were camping on the Pacific ocean... the stars were amazing. I haven't seen stars like that since my roadtrip out here in New Mexico and Colorado. HE was feeling frisky and wanted to do naughty, naughty things with me on the beach - but I felt sick and really wasn't ready to be that naughty so I laid down the law but it was still fun to make out with a cute boy as the waves of the ocean roll in and there isnt enough light pollution to block out the stars.
We didn't sleep all night - it was sooooo cold in the tent we just shivered all night. And groped eachother a lil bit - all of us because it was so cold - we were all sleeping on top of eachother. Cutie kept whispering in my ear that he wanted to take me home and balh blah - all night and all the next day - he wouldnt let up. I was like why the hell not right? I mean there is nothing like good old sexual tension. When we got up in the morning we realized that we were plopped in the middle of the mountains and slap dab next to the beach - what a great way to greet the day - it was amazing there - really. We drove into Santa Barbara with the puppy and ate brinch outside and then went shopping at the outlet mall where I purchased a fabulous new sundress which I need a lot of because it is already in the 90s - what is it going to be like in June???
Fast forward we are back at S's beach house and cutie asks me again if I will go home with him - I say yes and we leave. We get to his place and he lives in a dumpy town (long beach) in a dumpy neighborhood (sketchville - more than my lil sketchville) in a dumpy, dirty, ugly bachelor galore apartment. I assess and remind myslf that this is not a long term thing - I mean he is only 26 and lives over an hour away so just enjoy it while it lasts. I dont want to go into too much detail but we had a good time that afternoon together and all those weeks of flirting at the office paid off - well at lest for him it did - that kid didn't knowwhat hit em. Afterwords we went into town for dinner and I could tell that he was stressed out. We couldnt find parking and I could see his little wheels moving in his well- coiffed head. On the way to the restaurant he was contemplating the prices at the place he wanted to take me to beacuse it was pricey. REminding me that this guy was just as broke as I was and that we could never really date - not for real. BUT I forgot to mention that he surprised me on our camping trip with his brains - he is really bright and that was a big turn on - I had no idea. So at dinner I gave him an out and told him I would leave he said no - it was a long way back and we were both exhausted.
We got back and he planted me on the couch and started to do little household errands - check his email - do his laundry make some phone calls. I felt pretty silly sitting there, but School of Rock was on and I like that movie so I sat and laughed and watched him ocd and adhd all over the apartment. An hour and a half later he comes and sits down and HE picks Jesus Christ Superstar which we both sing along to and I feel like even though this kid has been a bit of a tool for the past 3 hours or so - is very cool since he knows the word to Too Much HEaven On Their Minds. When the movie is over he asks me to cuddle up to him where he proceeds to say "I really want to be my friend and I am only saying that because I really mean it." Even though I have been thinking all along that we arent really right for each other and it would never work out this line hits me like a ton of bricks - what happened? He had just been loving me up for 24 hours and now all the sudden he decides that we are just going to be friends? Did we even go out on a date yet? I was so confused that I actually felt hurt and used. I didn't sleep all night because righ tbefore we went to bed he asked me how I felt and if I was upset and he laid on the bullshit that I get from a lot of guys about how comforatble they feel with me and how nice I am and blah blah and it felt good so they didnt want to stop, but they don't want anything more than what just happened. Once again. Fuck and Run as Liz Phair says. SO I feel like an asshole laying in his bed. When we get up at 6am he futzes around again - wait. I need to tell you that it was way more than just physical flirting that happened before thei friends thing. He shared very intimate deep secrets with me and when we got to his lace the first thing he did was show me his camp photoalbum and tell me all about his childhood etc... It got pretty intense and in no way resembled a one night stand. AND earlier that day he told me that he had gotten very flirty with the cool French girl at work, but there just wasn't that je ne sais quoi and so he cut if off and she was pissed at him and said he led her on - this should have been a big warning to me, but I always figure that I am the one that is going to change the guy right?
Back ot the AM - it is early and it is now going on 2 days that I haven't slept. I ask him the whats and whens of his 180 in terms of "us" that never existed and he gave me all these lines about how we just weren't on the same level and I was going to br this amazing big thing and he was just doing his thing - really do guys take classes on how to give this speach? So we are outside and he tells me that I am sexy and beautiful and smart and nice and wonderful....I am sorry - even though I dont want a relationship with this guy I am confused as to what the fuck was missing?? So he tels me to meet him in Santa Monica for lunch so we can talk about this some more because he really fels like he has to have me in his life. Oh shit - I forgot to tell you that when I got upset that morning in his room he asked me to close my eyes and he put in my hand his pillsbury dough boy doll that I admired the night before. My cousin Marcy had them in her room growing up and I loved them (she had the boy and the girl dolls that both giggled.) This doll was given to him by his favorite camp counselor when he first made it to staff and it meant a lot to him - he wanted me to have it. Please people I am going to give it back - plus it gives me the creeps I keep thinking it is going to get possesed by Gozer the Gozerian and take over my apartment.
Cut to today - I go for a run in the park to clear my head - nothing like climbing a mountain to give you perspective (yeah suckas!) and then got 8 missed calls on my phone when I got home from my recruiter and my potential future boss. They had another assignment for me today but I missed it and they were fighting over me again. My recruiter was threatening them again with sending me on more interviews and it was once again getting ugly. I showered, put on my new dress with my ubiquitous brown boots - threw on my favorite hat and set out for Santa Monica - not really knowing why I was driving an extra two hours out of my way to tell a boy that he was an ass. But I saw the pilsbury fucking dough boy and realized that even though he pulled this shitty maneuver - he was still a nice guy and I genuinely liked him adn wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt -PLUS I looked so cute and I wanted him to get a glimpse of what he could no longer have - since all weekend I looked pretty campy/nappy.
We met up and walked to the peer. I gave him alittle speech about how this should be a teachable moment for him and told him how he should have handled the situation - he agreed and felt really bad about the whole thing - but he was still putting his arm around me and holding my hand which was confusing and annoying. Anyway - we were right in the thick of it when the new boss lady called and told me she had to talk to me. "Where are you?" Did these people expect me to sit in a wuiet place waiting by the phone all day long? PLease. So I told her I would call her back later. As we were walking back it occured to me that now that his guilt was assuaded I would never see him again. I told him so - he said no but I know it's true. I have to say that he said some really kind things about me. Sincerely, original kind things that made me feel ok about things and myself. WE had an awkward hug goodbye and I got back in my car right away (after I figured out where I parked) so I didn't have to pay for parking. THere was a message on my vm from future boss lady saying that everything was fine and I would start tomorrow. THrough the ride home I negotiated that I would temp for her for a month at a higher temp rate and then after a month we would all see what was best for all involved. This amde me feel much better about things because such a big part of me is unsure about both the company and the job. I got home - went and got an iceblended and a newspaper and sat melting in the hot hot heat for a while. On my way home I mentioned to once very special Buffalonian how I needed to hear Mary J. Blidges No More Drama song - she had never heard it and asked if it was really a song. Oh yeah I replied. When I was waiting for my banana caramel light ice blended (heaven) there is was this song that must be like 5 years old by now - playing on the in house muzak - No More Drama. A sign??? I got home and checked my email - there was one from the lady I worked for last week that had warned me about the new boss lady. I emailed her my resume as I already mentioned in the previous post. IT took her till today to respond - but to be fair - she is going on an Italy vacation with Frankenfurter so I'm not offended. Her response was - call me when you get a minute. I call her and she tells me that she wants me for herself - that she thinks she can really teach me the business if I want it. I tell her that I am just temping for the other woman and technically am open to offers. She tells me "Good then we will ahve time to continue this conversation." Still - she had better come up with a better paycheck and some opportunity if that is going to happen. At least I know that I am worth fighting over - even if it is between two menapausal blonds and not two buff young cutie pie studs.
Congrats if you made it this far. I start the new job tomorrow. Love to you all.
Na-na
We left the pool hall and headed back to prepare. S - is amazing I hope you guys get to meet this girl - and not just because she is from the Buff. She trhows together in I shit you not 5 minutes - a cooler filled with food and drink and a trunk filled with camping equipment, blankets and extra clothes for everyone since none of us were prepared. When the hotties from San Diego came by they were impressed that we weren't little princesses and were psyched that we were crashing their party. Meanwhile S gave me a vicodin for my migrane, which was not working - which is why I know it was the big M - I have been given shots in the ass before that did nothing to take them away. Lil office cutie comes by and greets me with mucho amounts of affection - I am taken aback but figure I will roll with it - since I am not really working there anymore it will allow us to be much friendlier without feeling wierd. WE take off with the dog in tow and head out to destination unnown. Really - we had no idea where we were going - just the 101 N and the hotties were going to call us from their car when they found a campground and then tell us how to get there. It was a great ride and the dog was cuddling up on our laps - cuties was cuddling with us and we were all singing along to Johnny Cash - OK they were - as much as I liked the movie - I didn't grow up with it and didnt feel like jumping on the bandwagon.
We get to the campsite and set up camp. In my sneaky, haven't been kissed in five months wisdowm, I decide to dontate my sleeping bag to A and make a bed out of the blankets for cutie and I. The big migrane is still there but I am trying to be cool about it and not complain too much - there is a fire and S because shes cool like that just happened to have the ingredients for smores in her kitchen so cutie climbed a tree and got everyone a stick so we could roast the marshmellows. We passed a bottle of wine or two around the camp fire that was actually in a barrell and had a few good laughs. I was so sick I couldnt drink the wine or eat a smore so you know I wasn't faking it. Cutie and I took a walk on the beach - yeah that's right suckas we were camping on the Pacific ocean... the stars were amazing. I haven't seen stars like that since my roadtrip out here in New Mexico and Colorado. HE was feeling frisky and wanted to do naughty, naughty things with me on the beach - but I felt sick and really wasn't ready to be that naughty so I laid down the law but it was still fun to make out with a cute boy as the waves of the ocean roll in and there isnt enough light pollution to block out the stars.
We didn't sleep all night - it was sooooo cold in the tent we just shivered all night. And groped eachother a lil bit - all of us because it was so cold - we were all sleeping on top of eachother. Cutie kept whispering in my ear that he wanted to take me home and balh blah - all night and all the next day - he wouldnt let up. I was like why the hell not right? I mean there is nothing like good old sexual tension. When we got up in the morning we realized that we were plopped in the middle of the mountains and slap dab next to the beach - what a great way to greet the day - it was amazing there - really. We drove into Santa Barbara with the puppy and ate brinch outside and then went shopping at the outlet mall where I purchased a fabulous new sundress which I need a lot of because it is already in the 90s - what is it going to be like in June???
Fast forward we are back at S's beach house and cutie asks me again if I will go home with him - I say yes and we leave. We get to his place and he lives in a dumpy town (long beach) in a dumpy neighborhood (sketchville - more than my lil sketchville) in a dumpy, dirty, ugly bachelor galore apartment. I assess and remind myslf that this is not a long term thing - I mean he is only 26 and lives over an hour away so just enjoy it while it lasts. I dont want to go into too much detail but we had a good time that afternoon together and all those weeks of flirting at the office paid off - well at lest for him it did - that kid didn't knowwhat hit em. Afterwords we went into town for dinner and I could tell that he was stressed out. We couldnt find parking and I could see his little wheels moving in his well- coiffed head. On the way to the restaurant he was contemplating the prices at the place he wanted to take me to beacuse it was pricey. REminding me that this guy was just as broke as I was and that we could never really date - not for real. BUT I forgot to mention that he surprised me on our camping trip with his brains - he is really bright and that was a big turn on - I had no idea. So at dinner I gave him an out and told him I would leave he said no - it was a long way back and we were both exhausted.
We got back and he planted me on the couch and started to do little household errands - check his email - do his laundry make some phone calls. I felt pretty silly sitting there, but School of Rock was on and I like that movie so I sat and laughed and watched him ocd and adhd all over the apartment. An hour and a half later he comes and sits down and HE picks Jesus Christ Superstar which we both sing along to and I feel like even though this kid has been a bit of a tool for the past 3 hours or so - is very cool since he knows the word to Too Much HEaven On Their Minds. When the movie is over he asks me to cuddle up to him where he proceeds to say "I really want to be my friend and I am only saying that because I really mean it." Even though I have been thinking all along that we arent really right for each other and it would never work out this line hits me like a ton of bricks - what happened? He had just been loving me up for 24 hours and now all the sudden he decides that we are just going to be friends? Did we even go out on a date yet? I was so confused that I actually felt hurt and used. I didn't sleep all night because righ tbefore we went to bed he asked me how I felt and if I was upset and he laid on the bullshit that I get from a lot of guys about how comforatble they feel with me and how nice I am and blah blah and it felt good so they didnt want to stop, but they don't want anything more than what just happened. Once again. Fuck and Run as Liz Phair says. SO I feel like an asshole laying in his bed. When we get up at 6am he futzes around again - wait. I need to tell you that it was way more than just physical flirting that happened before thei friends thing. He shared very intimate deep secrets with me and when we got to his lace the first thing he did was show me his camp photoalbum and tell me all about his childhood etc... It got pretty intense and in no way resembled a one night stand. AND earlier that day he told me that he had gotten very flirty with the cool French girl at work, but there just wasn't that je ne sais quoi and so he cut if off and she was pissed at him and said he led her on - this should have been a big warning to me, but I always figure that I am the one that is going to change the guy right?
Back ot the AM - it is early and it is now going on 2 days that I haven't slept. I ask him the whats and whens of his 180 in terms of "us" that never existed and he gave me all these lines about how we just weren't on the same level and I was going to br this amazing big thing and he was just doing his thing - really do guys take classes on how to give this speach? So we are outside and he tells me that I am sexy and beautiful and smart and nice and wonderful....I am sorry - even though I dont want a relationship with this guy I am confused as to what the fuck was missing?? So he tels me to meet him in Santa Monica for lunch so we can talk about this some more because he really fels like he has to have me in his life. Oh shit - I forgot to tell you that when I got upset that morning in his room he asked me to close my eyes and he put in my hand his pillsbury dough boy doll that I admired the night before. My cousin Marcy had them in her room growing up and I loved them (she had the boy and the girl dolls that both giggled.) This doll was given to him by his favorite camp counselor when he first made it to staff and it meant a lot to him - he wanted me to have it. Please people I am going to give it back - plus it gives me the creeps I keep thinking it is going to get possesed by Gozer the Gozerian and take over my apartment.
Cut to today - I go for a run in the park to clear my head - nothing like climbing a mountain to give you perspective (yeah suckas!) and then got 8 missed calls on my phone when I got home from my recruiter and my potential future boss. They had another assignment for me today but I missed it and they were fighting over me again. My recruiter was threatening them again with sending me on more interviews and it was once again getting ugly. I showered, put on my new dress with my ubiquitous brown boots - threw on my favorite hat and set out for Santa Monica - not really knowing why I was driving an extra two hours out of my way to tell a boy that he was an ass. But I saw the pilsbury fucking dough boy and realized that even though he pulled this shitty maneuver - he was still a nice guy and I genuinely liked him adn wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt -PLUS I looked so cute and I wanted him to get a glimpse of what he could no longer have - since all weekend I looked pretty campy/nappy.
We met up and walked to the peer. I gave him alittle speech about how this should be a teachable moment for him and told him how he should have handled the situation - he agreed and felt really bad about the whole thing - but he was still putting his arm around me and holding my hand which was confusing and annoying. Anyway - we were right in the thick of it when the new boss lady called and told me she had to talk to me. "Where are you?" Did these people expect me to sit in a wuiet place waiting by the phone all day long? PLease. So I told her I would call her back later. As we were walking back it occured to me that now that his guilt was assuaded I would never see him again. I told him so - he said no but I know it's true. I have to say that he said some really kind things about me. Sincerely, original kind things that made me feel ok about things and myself. WE had an awkward hug goodbye and I got back in my car right away (after I figured out where I parked) so I didn't have to pay for parking. THere was a message on my vm from future boss lady saying that everything was fine and I would start tomorrow. THrough the ride home I negotiated that I would temp for her for a month at a higher temp rate and then after a month we would all see what was best for all involved. This amde me feel much better about things because such a big part of me is unsure about both the company and the job. I got home - went and got an iceblended and a newspaper and sat melting in the hot hot heat for a while. On my way home I mentioned to once very special Buffalonian how I needed to hear Mary J. Blidges No More Drama song - she had never heard it and asked if it was really a song. Oh yeah I replied. When I was waiting for my banana caramel light ice blended (heaven) there is was this song that must be like 5 years old by now - playing on the in house muzak - No More Drama. A sign??? I got home and checked my email - there was one from the lady I worked for last week that had warned me about the new boss lady. I emailed her my resume as I already mentioned in the previous post. IT took her till today to respond - but to be fair - she is going on an Italy vacation with Frankenfurter so I'm not offended. Her response was - call me when you get a minute. I call her and she tells me that she wants me for herself - that she thinks she can really teach me the business if I want it. I tell her that I am just temping for the other woman and technically am open to offers. She tells me "Good then we will ahve time to continue this conversation." Still - she had better come up with a better paycheck and some opportunity if that is going to happen. At least I know that I am worth fighting over - even if it is between two menapausal blonds and not two buff young cutie pie studs.
Congrats if you made it this far. I start the new job tomorrow. Love to you all.
Na-na
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Just when you thought things couldn't get worse..
I don't even know where to begin. I have had a night to sleep it off so it isn't as close to the surface but I had another "hell of a day" yesterday. I wont go into to too many details, but let's just say that I tried standing up for myself with an ex-boyfriend and it came flying in my face reminding me that I have no game when it comes to love and men and still have so much to learn. How is it that all of you manage to have real relationships with people - love people that love you back? You've all found people that want to share their time, their lives with you? No one ever tells me their secret. I think that sucks. So this all happened while I was at work - an easy temp job that I thought I had until the new job started. A new job that when I was sort of offered it did not make me feel good or happy or relieved. I do not really want to work there - it is a set up for disaster and I know I am only taking it (if it is really offered to me) is because I am desperate for money. This is never a good thing. Sooooo at 6pm last night I get a call from my temp agency telling me that my services are no longer needed at the company this is an HOUR after the sign-up to be on the temp list for Monday - fucking assholes. I hang up the phone and ask the other temp there if HE was asked back - he says yes and I remember a call he got hours before telling him that he was staying - something stinks here. On her way out, the woman I was working for asks me "So you got a job?" "Uh, sort of" I replied. See - I knew that I was working for the woman that started the company with the other lady that said she may be hiring me. (I understand that this may be hard to follow.) I told her where I was maybe going and she pulled me into her office and brought in another agent as well. The two of them told me, begged me really not to take the job. That it wouldn't last. They said that the devision I would be heading up didn't even have any clients and that she was hiring me with no experience to do something with nothing. All of this I knew. I asked them if they could help me find something else then since they were telling me how wonderful I was balh balh ablh. IT was awful and uncomfortable and made me even more confused than I alrady am...not to mention the very awkward call from one of the other agents at the agency I might be working for I got the other day. She called me up and had nothing to say to me - it was soooooo weird......bad news - red lights flashing in my face telling me to run run run. And now I am running to Runyan to have a hike and start my day.
Much love
Na-na
Much love
Na-na
Monday, March 05, 2007
Fluidity
Hey now - two posts in one day that is pretty impressive huh? What a day. I started off at Michele's and it was so bizzaro - like I had never left and then I escaped just as fast without having done anything. I got an email there from one of the writers telling me that he had always enjoyed my notes on his scripts which made me feel good, but then bad because I was leaving the writing world of film for voice overs which I know nothing about. I went to santa monica and stopped in Vons on my way into the office to get a salad for lunch. I ran into a few peeps there from the office who were surprised to see me - I had to explain that I was coming in for someone else - I went to eat with them in the lounge (AKA high school cafe) and people got a good laugh at seeing me back there so soon. I finally made it to the desk and it was a nightmare - soooo unfriendly - so boring - they dont want me to do a\nything - jsut answer phones - what a nightmare. I am bringing a book tomorrow. It made me realize how much fun I had working for psycho bitch upstairs - at least I was getting something done. I looked at my phone and I had 6 missed calls from my recruiter and the lady that I thought had hired me. Turned out that I wasnt hired - funny - I thougt I Was when I went into the office earlier in the afternoon and she gave me a cd of her clients to study....apparently my recruiter and my future/potential boss are having a fued over me and it is horrible - I refuse to be in the middle - he is trying to get me to have a conference call with her while I am trying to establish myself in this new job. Apparently this lady wants me to wait for her to come back from vacation in two weeks and then she will decide if she really wants to hire me ornot. In the meantime I am supposed to twiddle my thumbs...she told my recruiter that if he got ma another job in the interim that she would never use his company again...what is that shit about really. If I am that great then she should offer me 10k more and have me sign papers tomorrow. But I am not that sassy in real life and I have had a glass of wine or two. MEanwhile....I can't kee up withmyself. Part of me knows I am only taking this job because of the money - that isnt even that good. The office is too quiet and unfriendly and it isnt even doing somehting I know I am really good at - who knows if I will even like it. People have said that your first year or so in LA is very tough, but honestly I had no clue that it was going to be this hard. When I was here the first time - everything seemed to fall into place. I just have to keep up the faith that I moved here for a reason - a reason bigger than the amazing weather and hiking....
BTW - if anyone has tips on lowcal/low budget/high protein/non lactose meals (besides rice and beans) I am taking suggestions.
Love you all - na-na
BTW - if anyone has tips on lowcal/low budget/high protein/non lactose meals (besides rice and beans) I am taking suggestions.
Love you all - na-na
Time WARP
So - desperate for some cash I am back at Michele's AKA boss lady today so I can make something to buy grocieries with - who knew I could be this pathetic. Anyway at least I am not still home in bed - that would be worse. Nothing has changed - Candy the Nanny is still here despite her claims to be leaving in a month and not one thing has been filed or done since I left. I really hope that I get placed somewhere for the rest of the week so I don't have to come back. It just makes me lazy all over again. I am waiting to hear back from the new job to see what the status is and if I am really hired - if so I have a lot of research to do. Yesterday watched the runners come in at mile 26 downtown - screamed all day long and felt very inspired. Oh shit -gotta go. I will have more to update later. Ha! just got a call from my recruiter...he got me a job temping for a VO agent back at innovative where I just was. This is perfect - I have two weeks to learn as much as I can about the VO biz before I get started. He wants me to show up this afternoon so I have to leave M's in an hour or so and get back down to Santa Monica - How freakin funny is that? I love it.....Shit - I had better get some things done for M.
your broke ass friend Na-na
your broke ass friend Na-na
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Pergatory
Good Morning...
Another lazy morning of avoiding cleaning my house and playing this silly video game that is on my phone and has me by the perverbial balls. I am planning on riding the peeler to the farmers market to get some fresh air and sunshine before I lock myself away to spend a good four hours cleaning my house since C is coming over tonight and noone should know that I live this way. Yesterday I was offered the position as a v/o agent. I know nothing about v/o except that I like cartoons and am slightly interested in the world of advertising. It is so scary because part of me feels that I am being set up for failure - but at the same time this woman is taking an incredible leap of faith putting a chunk of her business into my hands. Reading back through my last post - I see that I am confident that I can do it - and I am. IT is just going to be a tough learning curve and I am hoping that she will give me room to grow.
Cracky #1 and I went out last night and had a blast. She is so much fun when she isn't doing blow. We talked over everything and we are really friends now - although I think part if it is because # 2 has been blowing us both off because of her little euoro boy toy and I am her only other alternative (which isnt exactly true.) So we went to our favorite local haunt and I practiced my flirting. I met some really cute boys and got some excellent feedback. These are not peeps that are for the long haul, but you never know. The problem with the folks out here is that well, intellectualy - not so much - know what I mean? But at least that puts me in the top percentile!!!!
I felt exhausted and blah last night when I should have been ecstatic. Why am I not more excited? Possibly because it doesnt start for another two weeks and it I have to find some way to survive until then. This surviving thing really sucks. The sub exam is not until the middle of April so my calculations tell me that by the time I get my results back it will be the end of the school year. BUT at least I will have that under my belt just in case this v/o thing doesn't pan out. My life has taken some very strange turns lately. I feel like I am on a bad ride at Darien Lake. I want to come home and visit so badly. I have this fantasy of jetting in for the reunion and surprising everyone, but I know that it is an imposibility considering I am broke and am starting a new job that will not allow me to take time off.
Have a wonderful day - Happy Purim - booooooo Hamen! KDL - I am picturing you with your bald cap on and it still makes me giggle!!! Na-na
Another lazy morning of avoiding cleaning my house and playing this silly video game that is on my phone and has me by the perverbial balls. I am planning on riding the peeler to the farmers market to get some fresh air and sunshine before I lock myself away to spend a good four hours cleaning my house since C is coming over tonight and noone should know that I live this way. Yesterday I was offered the position as a v/o agent. I know nothing about v/o except that I like cartoons and am slightly interested in the world of advertising. It is so scary because part of me feels that I am being set up for failure - but at the same time this woman is taking an incredible leap of faith putting a chunk of her business into my hands. Reading back through my last post - I see that I am confident that I can do it - and I am. IT is just going to be a tough learning curve and I am hoping that she will give me room to grow.
Cracky #1 and I went out last night and had a blast. She is so much fun when she isn't doing blow. We talked over everything and we are really friends now - although I think part if it is because # 2 has been blowing us both off because of her little euoro boy toy and I am her only other alternative (which isnt exactly true.) So we went to our favorite local haunt and I practiced my flirting. I met some really cute boys and got some excellent feedback. These are not peeps that are for the long haul, but you never know. The problem with the folks out here is that well, intellectualy - not so much - know what I mean? But at least that puts me in the top percentile!!!!
I felt exhausted and blah last night when I should have been ecstatic. Why am I not more excited? Possibly because it doesnt start for another two weeks and it I have to find some way to survive until then. This surviving thing really sucks. The sub exam is not until the middle of April so my calculations tell me that by the time I get my results back it will be the end of the school year. BUT at least I will have that under my belt just in case this v/o thing doesn't pan out. My life has taken some very strange turns lately. I feel like I am on a bad ride at Darien Lake. I want to come home and visit so badly. I have this fantasy of jetting in for the reunion and surprising everyone, but I know that it is an imposibility considering I am broke and am starting a new job that will not allow me to take time off.
Have a wonderful day - Happy Purim - booooooo Hamen! KDL - I am picturing you with your bald cap on and it still makes me giggle!!! Na-na
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