don't....

It is after midnight on a Friday and I am home trolling the internet because I am a looser who didn't want to go out tonight. I can't afford it and also crackie invited pstz to come with his date. Not something I wanted to see. I think it is hurtful that he can be so flirtatious and not ever ask me out. I wonder if it would be different if I wasn't friends with those girls - but then I never would have met him. I don't want this blog to turn into a giant pity fest but I have to say that I am exhausted. I don't know whst is going to make me happy and I am so tired of moving and changing my life around to find it. I realize that no one is ever perfectly happy - I just feel like I am chasing my tail and that it just isn't in the cards for me - not this time around. All this sadness just breeds more and soon I am going to shrivel up into a bitter old woman that no one wants to be around and no one wants to tell good things about their life to because they are afraid that it might upset them (oh wait, that is already happening.) This town is really rough. I signed up for the CBEST today. Thinking about getting a teaching job and living on the beach. LEave all this Hollywood bullshit behind. I just don't feel a passion for it like I used to. I see through it all and wonder what the big deal is. I think about the world at large and how if we are only here once - then what is it that we are contributing to the universe? Do I want my contribution that I made a really good audition tape for a movie star to do a car commercial? Here is my little metaphor and then I am going to try to sleep: I feel like my life is a wet lawn after a spring rain. There is all this green grass and it smells so good. On each corner of the lawn is a different toy. I keep running from one corner to the next to play with the toys - some I want to play with more than once - some don't even interest me at all when I apprach them at a closer distance. Through all of my running and shifting, the wet, fresh grass has been matted down into a brown, soupy mess and my mother is standing at the threshold of my house screaming at me for ruining the landscaping. I am left holding no toy in the middle of a mud pile and there is a worm that has made his way into my shoe.

Good night Mrs. Calabash wherever you are. Na-na